Guest Op-Ed: A Memoir for National Empathy Day
Bette member Mindy Conway reveals how she survived cult indoctrination after being ‘trapped in QAnon’ and how she is now working with others to create “Empathy Avengers” to help people still trapped
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Guest Op-Ed: A Memoir for National Empathy Day
By Mindy Conway
“Individually, we are one drop. Together, we are an ocean” ~Ryunosuke Satoro
Surviving with Empathy Intact
Growing up a Jehovah’s Witness, I was taught that Armageddon would come at any moment. So, I was programmed against assimilating into or benefitting a civilization that would be soon “wiped from the earth”.
“Don’t make friends because they won’t be with us in Paradise.”
“Forget about responsibility for the environment, it will be replaced anyway.”
“College, especially for women, is superfluous because that knowledge will be useless in The New World.”
JW’s lack of empathy is frightening. The only empathy shown is to stress how imperative it is to get the message to them and make them believe time was short to convert them to ‘the truth.’
No compassion for millions of ‘worldly people’ who would perish in Armageddon, going through a fiery, torturous death. My own mother has been hollowed out. When David Koresh ordered parents to burn their children alive in Waco, the realization hit me that my mother would do the same to me and my three sisters, to this day. All she’d need is the go-ahead from the Governing Body.
By this time, I had been disfellowshipped and shunned, so I wasn’t in immediate danger, but it scared me for my sisters and other vulnerable loved ones. One childhood friend took his own life rather than face the shunning that would come with his divorce and questioning his sexuality.
#IGotOut but Josh didn’t, so I continued to tell everyone I could about my cult childhood.
After I’d been out of JW’s for about 15 years, I found myself searching for spiritual beauty and community. After visiting many different churches I started attending the non-denominational Gateway Church. They had an active single parents ministry, modern music and from everything I know about the bible, they were teaching from all translations, unlike JW’s who have written their own translation. I thought I’d found the community, the church home that had been missing!
Throughout my time at Gateway, various sermons struck me as weird and/or dangerous. I started walking out of Red Pill sermons and speeches from the pulpit by folks like Glenn Beck. I didn’t know what was wrong, but something definitely was.
Trapped In QAnon
In late 2020, my friend Jim Stewartson found me and recognized I was trapped in QAnon. The realization that you’ve fallen for betrayal again by those representing The Almighty shatters everything in a millisecond. It feels like the most basic betrayal, even more powerful than that of a parent. These folks knew my prayers and my deepest fears. The QAnon megachurch members ‘prayed me through’ lung and brain surgeries, it was hard to believe they’d been lying to my face and never truly cared.
I’d lost not one, but two communities that I’d really thought were my home and my support systems. But when I needed support or questioned their belief system, the answer was to shun and leave me in silence.
Jim sat beside me in my darkness, an alternate reality of my own making, until I was strong enough to exit. He shared facts, teaching me about apophenia, the inclination to find meaningful connections or patterns between things that are not actually connected, and cognitive dissonance. I knew my mind had been working overtime trying to solve a puzzle, but there was no puzzle to solve! It had been an illusion — seeing things that were not there.
More than anything, my mind began to heal and my thought process became sharper the longer I was removed from the source of brainwashing. This took immense patience on Jim’s part. I’m even more stubborn than he is and admitting I’d been manipulated and fallen for a second cult was painful and shameful. At times, Jim faced my Irish temper, but he was a constant, perhaps one of the first truly loyal friends I’ve found.
What I’ve learned is, any belief system can become a high control group or a cult if the beliefs become fundamentalist, rigid and unforgiving. Instead of throwing up our hands in frustration, we need to keep the lines of communication open as Jim did for me, but only IF you can do so without risking your well being. Leaving a cult is frightening and isolating on purpose, they don’t want you to be able to survive without them. We need to understand what cult members are feeling, thinking and their information streams. Can their empathy chip be switched on again? I’m living proof that many still trapped are worth reaching because I got out not once, but twice.
Community is Essential
Having a soft place to land, a community, isn’t a new concept. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 talks about how we are stronger when we support each other, “For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him~a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 NIV
Democracy itself is empathetic. C. Daryl Cameron, Director of the Empathy and Moral Psychology Lab wrote, “To me, empathy is a strength, not weakness—a way to attend to the people we value most. If we let ourselves become callous to others’ needs, we risk losing sight of democracy and the importance of treating each other with dignity.”
In stark contrast, our current leaders are the very antithesis of empathy. Elon Musk famously said, “We’ve got civilizational suicidal empathy going on...I believe in empathy. Like, I think you should care about other people, but you need to have empathy for civilization as a whole and not commit to a civilizational suicide.”
HUH??? How can a supposed “genius” fail to understand a basic concept most of us learned as a child?
When I think about it, Musk’s theories are very similar to the mindset that I grew up with.
The environment? Don’t bother taking care of it, let’s colonize Mars instead. Higher Education? The supposed genius doesn't promote it, saying instead “I think college is basically for fun and to prove that you can do your chores, but they’re not for learning.”
Family? Friends? Community? Not quite; Elon just has 14 children from 5-6 different women.
Viewed through my lens of a cult upbringing, Elon’s lack of empathy is even more frightening than JWs. His empathy chip has malfunctioned like one of his SpaceX rockets and he isn’t even attempting to change course. His resources and megaphone make him even more dangerous than Jehovah’s Witnesses. Fringe beliefs have gone mainstream.
How do we find our way back to the truths we should have learned in kindergarten? If they haven't learned basic lessons, how can we trust that our leaders won't lie to us about what is right and wrong? They have upended, inverted and weaponized the English language.
QAnon has weaponized good people’s empathy with the “Save the Children” movement and anti-abortion messaging. What decent person wouldn’t want to help a child who is in danger? They take that visceral reaction and manipulate to achieve their selfish goals, whether it is money or power.
Today’s fundamentalist megachurches cherry-pick the bible, with too many Christian Nationalists forgetting basic teachings: “God is love.” “Love thy neighbor, as I have loved you.” “For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.”
Is there anything we can do?
How can we reach out and connect over a shared reality?
We have a few ideas…
#EmpathyAvengers and the #EmpathyIs Campaign
For the past four months, a small group of us have been brainstorming how to reach out to those who are still trapped. As the #EmpathyAvengers, we promise to use every tool at our disposal to ensure no one is left behind suffering in a cult. Follow us on any platform under @EmpathyAvengers and subscribe to our YouTube.
Our first campaign, #EmpathyIs will officially kick off on Empathy Day, today, June 12. Before that, we want to have lots of videos to reach as many of our fellow citizens as possible. How can you take part? It’s so easy!! Submit a simple video telling us what #EmpathyIs to you.
Check out our first video:
You can learn more here at our website, and you can also reach out to us directly at empathyavengers/gmail.
Submit what you, your loved ones, neighbors and fellow citizens believe that #EmpathyIs — we hope to have lots of videos from all walks of life, not only in America, but our friends in other counties, too! #EmpathyIs international. We’d like to show that we are all at the same starting line, a solid foundation of facts, integrity, love and freedom of mind, as Dr. Hassan would say.
“Individually, we are one drop. Together, we are an ocean” ~Ryunosuke Satoro
With strength, love and hope,
~Mindy Conway
Empathy Avengers
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Author’s note: Many of you know Mindy from our Happy Hours and Speakeasys, where she volunteers each week to help me keep on eye on the virtual door so I can focus on the interviews with our guests. It would mean a great deal to me if you checked out her GoFundMe and offered a donation to support her as she gets back on her feet. The Bette community has done so much good for so many important causes — we are, after all, an empathetic bunch.—hsc
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