My World Famous Krabby Mushrooms, or the Comfort of Imperfection

Gobble gobble hey! A holiday recipe for fungis <3

Originally published November 23, 2022. Republishing today because food is love.

My kitchen skills came late in life, but there’s one dish I have been making since I was a co-ed. Picture this: I’m a Golden Bear, he’s a Harvard grad getting his MBA at Stanford. Could there be anything more ‘80s than a Harvard-Stanford MBA (hurl lol). So needless to say, wit can only take you so far, at some point you got to feed ‘em.

I needed a dish to go with filet mignon and the salad I had planned to make. And there it was atop a bottle of Grey Poupon (could there be anything more ‘80s than a bottle of Grey Poupon lol): a recipe for stuffed mushrooms.

My MBA got served, and I have been making the mushrooms for every holiday ever since. I long ago refined the recipe by making it less refined. If I can’t make things chunky and sloppy, then no dice. I like the comfort of imperfection.

My college sweetheart and I broke up long ago at a party at Berkeley. He went upstairs and retrieved the wrong purse and coat, despite the fact I had worn only one purse and coat the entire relationship. His insensitivity to my fashion choices proved fatal. That, and he couldn’t bring me home to mother because I was the wrong religion. Did I mention it was the ‘80s?

Ah, but the recipe lives on.

Here goes:

What you’ll need:

Big white yummy mushrooms, cleaned and set aside, about two dozen, decapped (you can save the caps and chop them up and put in batter)

Krab meat (about a pound and a half, chop it up)

Gobs of cream cheese about three packs

Unsalted butter

Scallions

Water chestnuts

Celery

Grey Poupon mustard

Freshly grated Parmesan cheese

How to prepare:

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees

Melt about a tablespoon of butter in a big pan, add diced water chestnuts, minced scallions, and chopped celery. Amounts should be to taste. Start with a half cup and go up or down depending on taste buds. If you want to add chopped mushroom caps to brown, go for it. I have stopped doing that but it makes a nice chunky look overall. Add more butter as needed. Once everything is browned, add the cream cheese, start with two packs. I invariably go up to three. (Leftover batter tastes great in omelettes the next day).

Now add your Krab. The original recipe called for real crab, which was much more expensive, and it also made everything much fishier. I find people respond better to the Krab. You can also leave some batter aside for those who don’t like any fish. I usually add about 3/4 pound of Krab and eat the rest while I’m cooking lol.

Now comes the best part, adding the Grey Poupon to taste. I add gobs, tablespoon after tablespoon, until I get it right. It’s all about taste. Minimum three to four tablespoons is about right for me.

Stuff your mushrooms generously, top them off with freshly grated Parmesan and cook at 375 degrees in a rectangular pan with low sides. I usually start cooking for about 30 minutes but then add ten or fifteen minutes until they are browned at the top. They should be hot all the way through when you taste them, but be sure to blow on them first or cut them open to release the heat before sampling.

They are decadent and amazing. And the perfect appetizer to ensure you spoil everyone’s appetite before dinner.

I am mostly vegan, but I find these taste so much better dripping with butter and cream cheese and all the things that make the holidaze certain to put you in a food coma by 4 pm.

Tomorrow, I am feeding the down on their luck. Tomorrow will be their lucky day.—Heidi Siegmund Cuda for Bette Dangerous, November 23,2022

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